This is an in-depth article on the many reasons for why your ex boyfriend hasn’t contacted you after a breakup.
In fact, many of the psychological breakthroughs your about to read here aren’t just pulled out of a hat randomly. They are real life trends that I’ve picked up on in my coaching practice and private facebook support group.
So, if you’re sick of reading the same old articles on why your ex hasn’t contacted you (“they don’t want to talk to you”) then you’ll really enjoy this one as I’m not going to be tackling this question in the traditional way.
The Real Reason Your Ex Boyfriend Hasn’t Contacted You
Why does this matter?
Well, if the question you’re trying to get an answer to is why your ex boyfriend hasn’t contacted you after your breakup then the no contact rule adds further complications because the entire ideal of the rule is based on you not contacting them.
But what I’m really fascinated by is what if we take the worst case scenario.
One in which you’ve decided to use a no contact rule which theoretically should slightly raise the chances of them wanting to contact you and look at a situation where they still don’t contact you.
A few months ago this was the question I posed to my private facebook support group.
Basically I polled them in asking, “For those of you who have used a no contact rule on your ex boyfriend, how many of those exes actually reached out?”
The results surprised me.
In all, 98 people responded and out of those 98 people only 37% of them heard from their exes during no contact. This means that a whopping 63% of individuals did not hear from their exes.
Now, here’s where things get super complicated.
If you’ve had the opportunity to check out my success story section of my biggest website, Ex Boyfriend Recovery you’d notice a really interesting trend. Pretty much every success story used a no contact rule.
So, what’s the rub?
Well, I think this interview explains this paradox perfectly.
After getting her ex boyfriend back she literally asked him why he didn’t contact her while she was using no contact on him.
His response = I wasn’t going to contact you first. I wanted to wait until you contacted me.
So, this basically tells us that the no contact rule can still be extremely effective but contrary to what everyone thinks, it will not help make an ex boyfriend contact you.
Now, this begs an interesting question.
What will make him contact you?
The False Belief
So, when I was trying to work out my plan of attack for this article I realized quite quickly that there was a universal false belief that I was going to need to dispel.
Most of the people I work with come into our coaching sessions with these pre-conceived notions that there is a magic bullet text message they can send their ex boyfriend that will get him to come back.
I haven’t seen that before.
Generally speaking if your ex boyfriend isn’t contacting you it is an indication that they’ve either grown complacent with you reaching out first to start conversations or they simply don’t want to talk to you.
Here’s the truth you may not want to hear but absolutely need to hear.
Sometimes, if you want your ex boyfriend to reach out to you first, you have to be willing to reach out first and earn that right.
Not everyone wants to do that but in my decade of experience I have seen this occur time and time again.
Of course, the next logical question is “how do you earn that right?”
Through satisfaction and scarcity.
Do me a favor for a second.
Think back to the last time you had a conversation with someone (it doesn’t matter where) that you DIDN’T enjoy.
What did you do?
If you’re anything like me you probably stopped responding if it was over text or if it was in person you probably got the heck out of there the first chance you got.
Now, I want you to contrast that experience with the last time you had an extremely satisfying conversation.
See the difference?
I don’t really talk a lot about this a lot because I try to keep things on topic and off of me but since this technically applies I’m going to indulge. One of my hidden passions is to write an incredible story.
I’ve always been into reading fantasy and science fiction.
One look at my instagram can verify that for you.
So, basically whenever I get finished with my breakup work I enter into story mode.
The problem is that I’m still a beginner so I’ll often find myself browsing YouTube for video essays. A few weeks ago I happened across this video.
In it I noticed that the YouTuber had created his own screenwriting course that came with private access to a facebook group.
I took the leap and decided to give the course a chance.
It was great but I was actually more blown away with the Facebook group as it allowed me to have conversations with other aspiring story creators. In fact, some of these conversations were so compelling I found myself fascinated for hours.
In other words, I was extremely satisfied with the conversations I was having and ultimately I think this is a huge aspect that most of my clients miss when they have conversations with their exes.
You see, it isn’t about saying something witty.
It’s about engaging your ex boyfriend on a level that makes him grow addicted to talking to you.
But How Do You Do That?
Great minds talk about ideas
Average minds talk about events
Simple minds talk about people.
I love this quote on so many levels because what really engages human beings isn’t petty gossip (though that will work sometimes.) Rather what engages human beings is your own unique philosophical outlook on life.
So, what is it that makes conversations enjoyable.
Generally speaking there are three components.
- You and your ex talk about a topic you are both passionate about
- You listen to what your ex is saying but you also pay attention to what he isn’t saying
I don’t think it’s too revolutionary to say that talking about topics you and your ex are both passionate about will make a conversation satisfying. It’s simply a matter of bringing up the right topics.
Where people mostly struggle is not seeing past the initial barriers their ex puts up.
I’ll give you a personal example.
Often times, I’ll be talking to a client and listening to what they are saying and when I begin talking they’ll say something along the lines of.
“How did you know that? I don’t usually tell people that.”
They’ll look at me like I’m some sort of wizard because I was able to label what they were thinking but not saying.
The truth is that I have an unfair advantage.
I’ve been doing this for a really long time and I talk to people about their breakups every single day. I’m able to identify those thoughts they think are hidden by listening to what they are saying but more so, what they aren’t saying and then I simply label what I know they are thinking.
It’s a pretty nifty skill.
Essentially I put myself in their position and think to myself,
How would I feel if I was them?
I want to show you something. This is a conversation that I’m currently having with a friend I made in that screenwriters group. Yesterday he sent this to me.
He says and I quote,
Thanks brother! Hahah yeah I can’t get over how it feels like we’ve been buddies for a while and have so much in common man.
Now, how was I able to forge a friendship with someone and connect with Jeremey so quickly in the span of a few weeks?
I listened to what he had to say, put myself in his shoes and tried to understand problems from his perspective. Oh, and it doesn’t hurt that both of our wives have the same name and most of our conversations are about things that we are both passionate about.
This is how human connection is formed and I think couples forget this sometimes.
So, what is scarcity theory.
Well, we see it all the time on arguably the greatest scarcity ploy of all time, black friday.
One day a year, advertisers decided to give people insane deals on products.
As a result, this happens.
This is scarcity theory in motion.
Essentially by telling people there is a limited amount of these deals available they go crazy trying to get them.
But how does this work psychologically?
If you’re familiar with my article on No Contact I talk about a concept in there called reactance.
Reactance = When human beings have a behavioral freedom taken away they react in ways to try to re-obtain that freedom.
Perhaps reactance explains what’s going on with black friday.
Since everyone is afraid of losing the deal of a lifetime they do everything possible to get it.
So, how can this concept help you when it comes to getting an ex boyfriend to contact you.
How do you institute scarcity?
Well, lets hit the pause button for a second and consider what I’ve taught you thus far.
- I’ve made it clear that I don’t believe in magic bullet solutions
- Often times in order to get an ex boyfriend to reach out to you first you have to earn that right
- You can earn that right by engaging him in a satisfying way in conversations
The final ingredient is to end conversations at the right time utilizing a concept called the Zeigarnik Effect.
In 1920 Russian psychologist Bluma Zeigarnik founded “The Zeigarnik Effect.”
Essentially she learned that human beings remember interrupted or incomplete tasks better than completed ones.
The analogy that I often give my clients is to imagine I knocked on their door and they let me into their house. However, instead of letting them close the door I distract them and demand a tour.
While giving the tour of their house to me all they can think about is that open door.
It becomes such a prevalent thought that they can’t focus on anything else.
This is the zeigarnik effect at work.
So, how can you create this phenomenon with your ex when it comes to your conversations so that he wants to actively pick up his phone and call you or text you after your conversation is complete?
What Matters Is The Pattern Not The One-Off
I’ve been on record for quite a while saying that using the zeigarnik effect to end conversations abruptly can yield great results.
However, there’s something within that tiny explanation that isn’t said.
Engaging your ex boyfriend in a satisfying conversation and then ending that conversation abruptly at the high point isn’t going to be enough alone to make an ex boyfriend reach out to you.
Most of my clients succeed in doing this one time and come back complaining when he hasn’t called or texted first.
They fail to realize that what matters more than anything is the pattern, not the one off.
By consistently engaging your ex in satisfying conversations and creating scarcity with the zeigarnik effect you will earn your reach outs.
Simple as that.
I like to end these articles with a quick explanation of what was covered so here it goes.
- The Real Reason Your Ex Doesn’t Contact You – It’s usually because they are too stubborn
- The False Belief Most People Have = There’s a magic bullet that will make all your dreams come true
- How Do You Get An Ex To Reach Out To You First = Through scarcity and satisfaction… DUH