Today I’m going to show you exactly what to do if you want to make your ex boyfriend miss you.
In fact, as you’ll soon learn understanding the psychology behind why exes end up “missing you” is an essential building block if you want to succeed in winning them back. Heck, even if you don’t want them back it would be a nice feather in your cap to at least understand how you could get them to want miss you, right?
So, if you want to understand exactly what it takes to make an ex boyfriend miss you then you are in the right place.
First things first though, I need to introduce you to something I like to call “The Confluence Strategy.”
What Is The Confluence Strategy And How Can It Make An Ex Miss Me?
I started my coaching business back in 2012 and have been blessed to work with thousands of individuals throughout my tenure.
Usually when I start working with a new client I notice certain trends and perhaps no trend is more prevalent than the magic bullet wish.
Here’s how this works.
You’ll go to Google and type in a phrase like,
How do I make my ex boyfriend miss me so he begs for me back?
And then you’ll wind up on some article that makes you believe it’s possible to say one singular phrase or take one specific action to make an ex miss you.
The worst part is that this belief becomes your new reality.
You literally walk around and start believing that it’s possible to get someone who wants nothing to do with you to start missing you by doing this “one thing.”
Well, I hate to be the bearer of bad news but from my own personal research and experience I have rarely seen one singular thing work to actually make an ex boyfriend miss you. Instead, it’s usually a combination of factors. Hence the name “confluence of events.”
What Is The Confluence Strategy? Simply put it’s an acceptance of the belief that it won’t be one singular factor that makes an ex miss you but a combination of many factors.
The sooner you accept this ideal the better of you’ll be and I think you’ll find that it’s extremely freeing.
So, now that we have that out of the way let’s start talking a little about the psychology of what happens to make an ex miss you.
The Correlation Between Missing And Regret
As I stated above, I first began my business back in 2012 and a lot of what I’ve learned about since then has been revolutionary.
At first I focused a lot on specific actions my clients could take to make exes miss them but after years of this practice I couldn’t help but notice a flaw. Essentially I was teaching people how to make their exes miss them without understand where that feeling of missing someone comes from.
So, I’m a pretty big nerd and I’ll devour anything related to the fate vs free will concepts.
I’ve always been a strong proponent of free will but the older I grew the more I realized that I hadn’t really taken the “fate” argument seriously. Like many people I just dismissed it out of hand as ridiculous.
One day I decided to sit down and see if I could learn anything and I have to say I was blown away with some of the concepts that determinists were presenting.
Concepts like causality.
It seems simple in hindsight but for me grasping,
Thing A Occurs – Which Makes Thing B Happen – Which Makes Thing C Happen
And around and around we go.
What I realized far too late was that I had never applied the causality metric to my own work.
I was teaching people techniques that I knew worked to make exes miss them but I never thought to stop and understand why.
Here’s what I learned.
What essentially makes ex boyfriends miss you is a feeling of regret.
So, generally the occurrence will look something like this,
Your ex boyfriend will break up up with you – Which causes you to react the way I’ll teach you to react – Which creates a strong sense of regret within him – Which makes him begin to romanticize and miss your relationship
This is the psychology of regret in a nutshell.
So, now we arrive at the five million dollar question.
What makes exes regret their decision to break up with you and therefore miss you?
Well, before we answer that question let’s hit pause and look at what the general triggers are for missing on a psychological level.
In General What Are Triggers For Missing
Personally I think the way we are taught in school is backwards.
I’ll never forget that in college I took an accounting class (which I passed) where I literally didn’t learn anything.
The teacher would simply waltz in and say, read chapter 32, and promptly waltz out.
For an entire semester I didn’t study the principles of accounting I studies the principles of memorization.
How can you expect to become a master at anything if you don’t first understand “the why?”
I feel we have that relationship with pretty much all learning.
We just want to understand how to get the results but we simply don’t care about why the results occur.
And that’s what I’d like to talk about in this section.
Instead of jumping to the how I’d first like you to understand the why.
What are the triggers that make someone miss you.
What makes them regret.
Once you understand these triggers you’ll gain a much deeper understanding of what it takes to make your ex boyfriend miss you.
So, what are the triggers?
- Sudden Loss Of Love
- Sphere of Influence
Let’s take a minute to look at each one of these triggers and understand exactly what they mean.
Sudden Loss Of Love
With this I’m referring to the feelings he had for you before the breakup.
With love and affection, there is evidence that the oxytocin we receive from a relationship can be very addictive and it takes time for a separated pair to find another source or to learn to live without this immediate supply.
We see this a lot with routines.
I’ve often made the case that couples are defined by their routines and those routines are thrown out suddenly when a breakup occurs. After some time has passed it’s possible that your ex boyfriend may start to reminisce about the routines.
This is where “regret and missing” come into the equation.
This is by far my favorite trigger.
Admiration often occurs when your ex boyfriend sees that you’re doing better without him and grows angry or jealous because of it. It’s almost like they’ll have this epiphany where they think,
Why wasn’t she like this when we were together?
Sphere of Influence
I’ve already mentioned that I’m consistently interviewing success stories,
And really what I love about the success stories isn’t the fact that it’s super cool to meet amazing individuals but it’s that only by talking with them in this in-depth manner can you pick up new things. One thing that shocked me was how much the sphere of influence plays a role.
If you aren’t familiar with the sphere of influence it’s essentially the most important people your ex boyfriend surrounds himself with.
What ends up happening is sometimes your ex boyfriends sphere will start asking about you with makes him regret the breakup which leads to him missing you.
It’s an odd dynamic but I can’t tell you how often I’ve noticed it in talking with people.
Ok, so now that you have a basic understanding of the why let’s focus on the how.
The Trinity Of Missing
For those of you who have my program this will sound pretty familiar.
Whenever I talk about the no contact rule you’ll often hear me talk about the holy trinity.
So, for those of you who’ve been initiated the holy trinity is the concept I came up with to explain to people what they should be focusing on during the no contact rule.
Remember the whole confluence strategy I talked about above? Same principle here except for time management during no contact. Well, the holy trinity has always been a hit with women so I thought a pretty cool approach I could use for this article would be to do something similar but for “missing your ex.”
So, without further ado I’d like to introduce you to the three most important components for making an ex boyfriend miss you.
- Letting Go (Change)
- Fear of Loss
Now, before I go on a huge rant about each one of these and how they work I want to reiterate that you can’t expect to do just one of these things and get a good result. Instead, you’re going to have to look to do ALL of these things.
A confluence of this trinity is the end goal for you.
How Time Can Make Your Ex Boyfriend Miss You
Time heals all wounds, right?
Actually I don’t think so.
It just makes the pain more bearable.
I’ve been thinking a lot about this since I became a father and a husband.
Let’s say someone came and hurt my family and I lost them.
Would that be something I could just get over by waiting?
I don’t think I’d ever get over that.
But I would be able to bear it the crippling pain a bit better after some time goes by. I think the same principles apply to breakups.
Don’t expect time to make you feel all the way better. Expect it to make you bear the pain.
So, why is it that we say that time can make an ex boyfriend miss you?
Well, you’ve heard me talk a lot about the no contact rule on this website, right?
I think a lot of people just assume it will make their ex miss them by proxy but that’s actually not how it works.
It’s meant to be all about you and what you do with the time, but more on that in a second.
The no contact rule is essentially a short term tactic. When I say that time can help make an ex miss you I’m talking LONG TERM. I’ll give you an example.
Have you ever gone through a breakup where you begged and pleaded your ex not to walk away only to have them do just that.
Months go by and you haven’t heard from them.
Then months turn to years and you’ve been moved on for a long time.
Then something odd happens.
He texts you out of the blue and then a conversation happens where he asks you out on a date.
What’s the psychology behind this?
Honestly, I don’t think it’s complicated at all.
To me it all boils down to the grass is greener syndrome.
What is a breakup if not an admission that your ex boyfriend thinks he can do better than you?
Sometimes he’s right but sometimes he’s wrong.
Your job is to make him wrong but you can only really do that with time and change and usually he only realizes when it’s too late.
So, how can you make him have this epiphany of regret faster?
Letting Go = Change
Generally speaking when I’m hired to help someone get their ex back I don’t ever look at the situation as black or white. In fact, every time I talk to a new client I tell them that I can’t guarantee that their ex will come back.
What I can guarantee though is that they’ll be in a better place emotionally (and sometimes physically) by the end of our time together than when they started.
What I’ve learned is that this is the secret to getting exes back in general.
I think most of my peers tend to take a macro approach.
In other words, they look at psychology as a whole and apply what they learn to breakups. I’m guilty of doing this myself but what really changed my paradigm was creating a community where thousands of individuals can come and share their stories.
By being forced to see pain and suffering it’s impossible not to embrace the micro approach.
Thus, I started interviewing the successes to see what aspects of getting an ex back I was missing.
A lot apparently.
But the more successes I started interviewing the more it became clear there was one HUGE component to my overall strategy that I was missing.
It sounds odd, doesn’t it?
That the key to making an ex miss you might lie in literally letting them go.
But I can’t deny that there’s something powerful about it.
It’s also a pattern I’ve noticed within just about every success story that I’ve ever interviewed.
So, why does it work?
I think there are two components to why it works.
Component #1: Your Energy Shifts
Yesterday I had the opportunity to interview Antia Boyd who is just awesome.
Anyways, I was describing this concept of letting go to her and I asked her why she thought it was working so well for my clients. Her answer blew me away.
She gave the comparison in energy terms which I think can resonate with a lot of women.
Imagine you are going through a breakup and you desperately want your ex back so you do what pretty much everyone does. You beg and plead and nothing works. Why? Well, not only does it look desperate but your ex is associating you with all of this negative energy.
On the flip side, let’s take someone who has gotten over the breakup and essentially let it go.
That persons vibe is going to be completely different. They will radiate warmth and positivity so it’s a lot more inviting.
But that still doesn’t explain why “letting go” is working, does it?
Component #2: You Exhibit Change
I know it’s long but do me a favor and watch this success story from start to finish,
Pretty interesting, right?
The number one thing I took from my time interviewing Jo wasn’t the fact that she got her ex back after he blocked her it was the fact that after she got him back her ex boyfriend literally said,
You feel like a new person.
You’ve changed so much.
This is that concept in work. Jo admitted to me in the interview that she had an incredibly hard time letting go but eventually she did and it was like everything just clicked for her after that.
He took her on a date when he was dating a new girl and promptly broke up with that new girl and even showed her proof so she would believe him.
I don’t think that’s possible if she doesn’t have this new vibe.
If she doesn’t let go.
Fear Of Loss
And now we come to the final component of making an ex boyfriend miss you.
Inciting a fear of loss.
Where “letting go” was a micro tactic the “fear of loss” is probably a macro tactic.
I always tell my clients to look at black friday as perfect personification of fear of loss. It’s without a doubt the number one sales holiday of the year but why?
Well, it’s because people don’t want to lose out on all the great sales they are going to get.
Like I said above, I’ve worked with a lot of people throughout the past eight years and I’ve yet to have one blow me away in this aspect and it actually makes sense if you think about it. When they come into my orbit they want nothing more than to get their ex back.
The problem is that they aren’t willing to back down off of that mentality and in order to get what they want they actually have to do just that.
It’s a paradox and I’d argue that it’s the primary reason so many people fail in their endeavors.
In order to get the guy you have to be willing to lose the guy.
Yet no one is.
I suppose is you really think about it the statement I just made is a paradox in and of itself.
For you, whose trying to get an ex boyfriend to miss you.
You’ve already lost him.
But you don’t see it that way.
You think that if you move on to someone new or even entertain the idea he’s going to go away forever.
But he already has.
A breakup is nothing more than an admission by him that he thinks he can do better than you.
Make him prove it and don’t wait around for him to realize the grass wasn’t greener on the other side.
This is the mentality that wins men back.
Never forget that.